Character Interview for The Republic of Jack

An Interview with Jack Cowherd,

from The Republic of Jack

Why do you want to be governor of Texas?

Hell, who doesn’t want to be governor? I mean, when you’re governor you’re the boss, the head honcho, the big enchilada. You ride in limousines, get free Cowboys tickets, Franklin’s barbecue anytime you want it. Hey, this is off the record, right?

Your opponent and the current governor, Preston Foreman, has claimed that federal law supersedes state law. What is your response?

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. If those Washington assholes think they know better than us Texans what’s best for our own state, well, we might just have to remember the Alamo all over again.

You have accused Mr. Foreman of hiring advisers that amount to, in your words, “dead wood.” Mr. Foreman said, “In my administration there is no dead wood.” What is your response?

Dead wood? Tell Mr. Foreman to look in his pants.

Do you support secession?

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

So you do support it?

Yee haw.

What advice would you give to the children of Texas?

Stay in school, say “no” to drugs, and, uh, always wear a condom.

You’d tell that to children?

No. I mean yes. I mean no, abstinence is the key. It’s right there next to godliness, just like cleanliness, which is why you should always wear a condom, to stay clean. Because you just never know what you might catch . . . so, uh, don’t do drugs.

In your speeches, you have called for stricter measures at the border with Mexico. Could you be more specific?

We don’t dial 9-1-1, know what I mean?

Now that you are president of the Republic of Texas, what is your agenda?

With the help of God and my fellow Texans, I pledge to see our republic assume its rightful place in a world of equal nations. The Republic of Texas will stand for a hundred years! Wait, thousand, damnit. A thousand years. Who knows, maybe a million.